OxiClean Is Bringing SexyBack.

Oh, darlin', mah weak heart can't take no mo'! Oh LAWDY!

For the past week, I've been teetering on the edge of a breakdown of some kind. I've been making travel plans that seem to resist me at every turn, thanks to oh-so-wonderfully passive-aggressive people. Passive-aggression is MY thing, dammit! MINE. Don't try to use it on me. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll stop having recurring nightmares about missed flights and hanging out with Michael Jackson. I'm pretty sure he was zombified. Otherwise I'd have no objections to hanging out with him. Curse you, Reaper!!! SHA-MON!

I read somewhere that the late Billy Mays, the most annoying, but good-natured person ever featured in commercials/infomercials, might have died from heart disease rather than from taking a headshot by luggage on a plane or whatever. You know what's sad about this?
A.) I'm about to be on a plane.
2.) I'm loud, boisterous, and OVERENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT OXICLEAN!!!! *GASP*
F.) It's just so damn random. Again, the mortality thoughts cloud over my graphic sexual fantasies about OXICLEAN!!! NOOOOOOOO! *molests the container*

Now, I am regrettably not smart enough to go to medical school. I'm not smart enough to do a lot of things. Either way, I know close to nothing about how heart disease works. Yet I still wonder if his excessive shouting and passion for the products contributed to it, if that is indeed what he died from. The man had to have had high blood pressure or something. Hmm. Anyway, I'll bet he's selling God, and Michael, some OxiClean right now. That's a good, positive thought.
So with the week I've been having, I feel like my heart's about to give out at any minute. I'm an emotional rollercoaster-slash-trainwreck. I'm in a permanent cycle of excitement, panic, reflection, more panic, and straight hysteria. These masochistic tendencies cannot be at all healthy for the long run, but I'm sitting here yelling, "HAND ME THE GIMP SUIT, BABY!" A gimp suit and a lifetime supply of OxiClean sounds like one hell of a good time. Now I'm excited in a different way. w00t to the 5th powah!

I have a genetic inability to be coherent. For that, I apologize.

Billy Mays wants YOU to buy some stuff! [RIP, buddy]

I am in no way endorsing OxiClean because I've actually used it...the way it's intended. Or at all. I'm endorsing it because that's what Billy Mays would have done.