Praises & Bitchings: New Album Reviews-ish

September is a cornucopia of eargasms with the upcoming release of Opeth's new album, Heritage, and Tori Amos's Night of Hunters. Or is it?

I listened to both back-to-back last night, making mental notes and losing sleep from the thoughts I was attempting to gather. If you didn't already know, Opeth is one of my favorite bands of all time. And Tori is my wife. Sort of. She doesn't know. And I don't stalk her or anything, so she will never know. Wow, what a shitty marriage. Plus, she's married to someone else and we don't belong to that Mormon sect that still loves polygamy or whatever.

Anyway, let's get on with it.

(Disclaimer: I may sound harsh or entitled or something in some parts, but don't take it too seriously. I don't expect anyone to do what I say, ever, especially my favorite musicians.)

Dear Tori,

Please refrain from using your child's singing on anything else ever again. It ruined the album. I do not like the sound of children's voices, with the possible exception of young Michael Jackson. And even then I greatly prefer his adult voice, shamoning all over the place. To me, this screams self-indulgence or stage-mom-nepotism weirdness (for lack of better words). The album had the potential to be so amazing. Your voice is beautiful, the music is stunning and soothing, and I do love the songs that feature just you, doing what you do. So I'm not like, "Y U NO MAKE BOYS FOR PELE PT. 2?!?!" or anything like that. I noticed on another track, there was another voice. Didn't like that either. Just please, for the love of cheese, stop it. If you're going to have a guest vocalist, bring back Trent Reznor. I'm not even sure if you talk to him anymore, but do it anyway. His collaborations with his wife are irritating as well. And I'm not just saying that because I had a major crush on him and still think that you and he should have married. Bah.

Love,
Probably in the doghouse


Dear Mikael Åkerfeldt/Opeth,

Y U NO MAKE BLACKWATER PARK 2?!?!
Nah, I'm kidding, even though Blackwater Park is one of the best albums ever made.
Thank you for not having your children featured as guest vocalists. Also, you pretty much admitted that this album would be self-indulgent, so I appreciate that. We knew about your passion for prog. It was only a matter of time that you'd do this. I can say that I liked the album upon first listen. I will come to love it in time, I'm sure. It lacked growls but was not a Damnation clone. Your singing continues to improve. I can only hope my voice will do that too someday. I didn't miss the growls, but that's probably because I was listening with a splitting headache at the time, possibly caused by kids singing where they shouldn't. The music was comforting to me. Y'all are doing a great job. Objectively, Heritage is not my favorite Opeth album. You don't care. I don't expect you to care. Still rocks, though. And you still look like Jesus, Mike. I cannot wait to see Opeth and Katatonia live next month!

Love,
Trying not to have a one-person Wayne's World moment

P.S. When is Katatonia releasing a new album? I need it. Badly.

Being Too Close To Nature, Plasma Facilities, and Hungry People

WARNING: This post might be a bit lengthy. I probably deserve every tl;dr that I might get. Read on, if you dare.

Well, hello again. Since my last update I've been pretty busy with various things. They range from the mundane (eating, toileting, sleeping, marathoning Dragonball and Dragonball Z, etc.) to I-can't-believe-this-is-happening (read on for that stuff).

Firstly, last weekend was spent "donating" plasma and then drifting in and out of consciousness, feeling like death. Was it worth the $85 (Zach made $50; I made $35)? Damn straight. The more excruciating part was the many hours in the waiting room and various testing rooms, where they made us repeat our names, addresses, and social security numbers as if we were some kind of amnesiacs. Then we had to prove we were literate a couple times, followed by a bunch of health questions and physical examinations. The bright side? After some typical Hugh Grant movie finally decided to get off the screen, they showed MRS. DOUBTFIRE!!! One of my favorite movies of all time. Too bad I missed most of it because of the various exams and interrogations. :(

While we were in the donating stage, Major Payne came on, which royally pissed me off. The movie, in case you aren't familiar with it, begins with George Thorogoods' "Bad to the Bone." There is a certain other fabulous piece of cinematic genius that also begins with that song. It's about this adopted redheaded boy who gets in a lot of trouble and causes all kinds of problems for the kind, loving, and handsome man who just wanted to be a great dad, but gets shit on by everyone he knows, because apparently that town is full of asshats. Problem Child. I was really, really hoping that I was about to have the presence of John Ritter soothing me in a time of extreme anxiety. But noooooo. Damon Wayans had to ruin everything. If they had to show a movie starring him, why wasn't it Earth Girls Are Easy? Then I could have been comforted by Jeff Goldblum's presence, at least. Bah.

I decided on listening to Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds instead, which helped for awhile...until the numbness spread throughout my body. I begun to panic, nearing hyperventilation. My brain stopped functioning temporarily; I still don't recall turning off my iPod. By the time the phlebotomist came to help me, I had lost my hearing. Apparently we had not eaten enough beforehand, which can cause some nasty side effects such as this. I thought I was okay after a few minutes of rest. But then I collapsed outside the clinic, alone and starring in a one-man slapstick show. We haven't gone back since then, but hopefully it will be better next time.

Thursday held a trip to downtown for Pig Out in the Park. I love food, and I love downtown. Unfortunately...waaaaaay too crowded for my liking. I expected it, but I deal with it much better when I'm not actually experiencing it. Crowds make me claustrophobic.

Zach & I had some yummy Chinese food. My one complaint is that their egg rolls were called "The best egg rolls ever." Now, when somebody makes a claim like that, it had better be true. They were quite good, but I've had better. The ones my mom & I used to make were honestly the best ones I've had so far (and I've consumed soooo many egg rolls in my lifetime). That's not being conceited or anything. Just my opinion.

Also, we've decided that once we can afford an apartment, we're going to try to move downtown. It's surprisingly cheaper than I thought.

So then we decided to go camping for the weekend with Zach's parents, his sister, and her boyfriend. I've realized that I'm more of a nature lover in theory than in practice, for one reason. Just one. INSECTS. They were horrible.

There were some good times: S'mores, taking photographs, seeing all the cute squirrels run around, getting drunk and playing a rousing game of Balderdash...

And then there were bad times.

Bees. Mosquitoes. Flying ants. EVERYWHERE. All over me, all over the food, all over everyone else...if there is one thing I cannot stand, it is insects on food. If I've seen something land on it, I will not eat it. It's just gross. Not to mention my severe phobia of bees/wasps/hornets/bumblebees/yellow jackets/etc. If they are near me long enough, I have panic attacks.

By the time we got home, I felt dirty and like I'd never be the same again. One shower later and I still feel them crawling on me. Maybe I need therapy...again.