Thud. Thud. Thud. Throb. Throb. Throb. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.
A drum circle of pain used my head as a rehearsal space, a constant beat imprinting itself into the inside of my skull. All was black. What had happened?
I refrained from opening my eyes, attempting to gather my thoughts. Blurry images floated around. None came into focus. Something wasn’t right here. I had a feeling that this was not the result of a night of binge drinking or simply falling and hitting my head. Why couldn’t I remember anything?
I realized that I was moving. I was in someone’s car. Every bump that the tires hit caused my head to feel like it would burst open. My forehead was resting against the dashboard, adding insult to injury. By approximately the fifth large bump, a soft cry of pain spilled from my lips.
Voices. I heard voices. More than one.
This is a story that I started about five months ago. This is all I've written so far. I haven't necessarily been working on it the whole time, but therein lies the problem. It is/was based on a disturbing dream I'd had. As long as I could remember everything I'd dreamt and could make necessary changes, how hard could it be? If I'd started this story several years ago, I would have at least forty pages by the five-month mark. What changed? I'm trying very hard to figure it out. Sometimes I feel like the real me has been replaced by a less efficient me. A me that can't do anything at all.
I never thought I was a particularly good writer; it was always other people telling me that while I usually flat out disagreed or privately wondered what they saw that I did not. All I could see were the flaws. The plot holes, the cheesy dialogue, the poor attempts at humor, the overall amateur vibe...or in poetry, the cringe-worthy figurative language that cried "TEENAGE ANGST!!" Well, they say we're our own worst critics.
Perhaps that's why the inspiration dried up and I gave up, even extending to this blog.
I thought I was a failure when I was writing things that weren't up to my extremely high standards. Turns out I feel like a bigger failure when I'm sitting around waiting for ideas that won't materialize, or the lack of discipline that causes me to abandon ones that do. No one wins here.
Also, the 'R' key keeps sticking, which disturbs me.
Monday, August 22, 2011
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Stevie, believe me, I know it's impossible to perceive yourself from other people's point of view, and that it's a goal of creation to engage others and immerse them within your dream. It's a desire.. not necessarily to be worshipped for technical ability, but to share a deep love and excitement for an idea that you're enchanted with, and to present that idea in the most attractive way you can think of. To feel the vibe of what you're about.. bouncing off others; infatuating like a romance. Creation is giving birth to imagery from the black abyss of non-existence.. think of the possibilities, power, and opportunities that lay at your fingertips if you'll only take time to give your ideas the light of day.
ReplyDeleteReally, when it comes down to it, it's important first off to revel within your own world when creating. Anyone whose work is magnetizing is successful at what they do because they're completely in the zone and have gotten a taste of what it feels like when their mind is transcending. I'm sure you know what it feels like when you're in that zone. The goosebumps. As long as you're writing and pulling from that place, it will very likely transfix others, because it was born from an almost hypnotic state.. spilling out rhythmically in bursts of passion. Beautiful, and filled with the tragic desire that is at the core of humanity's heart. Critiquing and editing can come later. Key in on your highest fantasies.. not trying to convince yourself to become a certain way.. but just be honest about what really gets your mind racing and fall into that world and let your pencil (or keys) fly.
I love what you do. I couldn't bring myself to write all I just did if I didn't. I think I've told you before that the act of reading can either lull me to sleep, or keep my eyes peeled despite being dead tired. You're the latter to me. When I read how you express ideas, I forget I'm staring at words, which is how I know it clicks. Please keep going<3
Thanks, Cindy. As always, you offer a perspective that I might not always see on my own. My perfectionism and harsh self-criticisms are always holding me back. It's a major insecurity issue that I struggle with in all aspects in my life, and it is frustrating to know the problem and not be able to fix it.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I know exactly what being in the zone feels like. When I was at my most creative, it was an amazing feeling. Sometimes I would feel like I truly had something special, but then I'd look at it afterward and would see everything wrong with it and get disappointed. But, oddly enough, sometimes when I look at old things I've written, I see some good qualities and wonder why I can't write like that anymore. XD It's a love/hate relationship, I guess.
So I suppose whenever I get back to story writing, I might end up trying to look at it in a different way. I'm not a teenager anymore, and so much has happened since then that it would be a shame to let whatever talent I might have atrophy.
Your kind and supportive words have been a large help to me and I can't thank you enough for that. <3