Artsy Haircuts, J-Rock Obsessions & Pre-trip Pantswetting

Today, I did something drastic. Something never heard of before, at least as far as my body is concerned. I went into it with my nerves running high, the adrenaline rushing through me as I contemplated the possible outcomes. The cynical part of myself that everyone knows and loves (HA-HA!) had me convinced that I'd live to regret it. I'd leave feeling ugly, begging to turn back time to rectify the damages that had occurred. Looking like a dirty hippie appeared to be not so bad after all! The trust issues would be justified. My world successfully reduced to rubble around me.

I'm talking, of course, about my haircut. My hair used to be on the longer side, thick, bushy, and horrid. I've despised it for months now, wishing the haircut fairy would come during the night and take away my misery. To my great dismay, the chance of that happening is about as slim as Danny showing up to my house and declaring that one wife isn't enough and proposing to me on the spot. Yeah, ain't gonna happen. Sadness.

The results were surprising. Very surprising. I hadn't counted on the shortness. Well, I had, but not THIS short. At first I was like, "OMGWTF?! What happened to me?! I'm looking in the mirror and not seeing what I've been accustomed to seeing!" And then, upon further review, I realized...OMG, THIS IS ME!!! The me on the inside, finally showing through. I struggle with my identity constantly, so this is reassuring.

So aside from feeling totally badass, I've got a raging obsession with J-Rock right now. Mainly Dir en grey, X Japan, The Pillows, and Gackt. I
loved it before, as I think Japanese is the most beautiful language ever and those singers have gorgeous voices, but the passion has really been kicked into overdrive. Also, I'm very fascinated with the visual kei movement. Japanese men are brilliant at being pretty fo' sho! I have a feeling I'll be using a lot of J-Rock as the soundtrack for my trip, along with some serious amounts of Michael Jackson and Oingo Boingo. Excellent stuff.

Speaking of my trip, I'm wetting 'em right now. And by that I mean pissing my pants. Just a few more days now, and I'm flying out to California. Alone, with the exception of my mental illness as a travel companion. Holy spaz attack, Batman! LAWDY HELP MEH! I feel like I've got millions of things to do. So goes the life of a procrastinator...

PS: Bachelor Party is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. Tom Hanks + Oingo Boingo + total chaos = classic 80's goodness. Why did I miss it?! Somebody bulid me a time machine. Seriously. I'll love you forever. I'll sacrifice my first born. I'll wear a pink leotard! *shudders* Never mind. No one wants to see that. If you do, I question your mental stability. Insanity is a great thing, but NOT when it involves pink leotards and me in them. It's wrong. WRONG.

Exit Teenage Years, Enter...Oh, Crap.

Today is my 20th birthday. A perfect excuse to start blogging again, methinks. That, and the irritating insomnia currently plaguing my entire body. Usually I have no problem sleeping excessively. In fact, I'd call myself a professional. All the excitement is getting to me, I guess. The excitement of what, exactly? Doing normal things instead of having a huge party featuring stripteases by my drunken uncle?* Leaving those wretched teenage years behind as I look toward something better and less...psychotic?

It could be that. Possibly. Or it could be the news I received yesterday involving a certain trip to somewhere that I've been dying to go back to since I left last October.

The trip would involve solitude in a crowd of strangers. In other words, I'd be staring my worst fear and my mental illness in the face. Blatantly.

A damn near cross country bus trip. The only bus I've ever been on is a school bus. For about twenty minutes at a time. Not two days.

My gut tells me to do it. I have reassurance that it is possible. So why not?

My illness keeps me from doing many normal things. I have panic attacks when I have to walk into a store alone. I don't have a driver's license. I have no job, and I rarely leave the house. The only friends I have outside of the internet are the ones I live with.

Anyone who has the same problem can and probably will tell you that it's like being in prison. It's not much of a life, really.

And even this news scared me to death and I immediately tried to come up with a multitude of reasons for why I couldn't go. I begged my friends to come with me. I realized something, though.

I NEED TO KICK ANXIETY'S ASS. At least once.

Two days on a bus with strangers both ways? Ummm...I DO need to read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince again before I see the movie!
No showers? .....Is it legal to wash your hair in the sink of a McDonald's bathroom? For the sake of personal hygiene, I'd do it.
Smelly bathroom? I only pee twice a day, and right now I couldn't be happier about that.

The point is that I can't hide forever. I need to live....even if it's just a little.

*Disclaimer: I have no drunken uncle, but I have one that acts like he is. He's awesome.