Praises & Bitchings: New Album Reviews-ish

September is a cornucopia of eargasms with the upcoming release of Opeth's new album, Heritage, and Tori Amos's Night of Hunters. Or is it?

I listened to both back-to-back last night, making mental notes and losing sleep from the thoughts I was attempting to gather. If you didn't already know, Opeth is one of my favorite bands of all time. And Tori is my wife. Sort of. She doesn't know. And I don't stalk her or anything, so she will never know. Wow, what a shitty marriage. Plus, she's married to someone else and we don't belong to that Mormon sect that still loves polygamy or whatever.

Anyway, let's get on with it.

(Disclaimer: I may sound harsh or entitled or something in some parts, but don't take it too seriously. I don't expect anyone to do what I say, ever, especially my favorite musicians.)

Dear Tori,

Please refrain from using your child's singing on anything else ever again. It ruined the album. I do not like the sound of children's voices, with the possible exception of young Michael Jackson. And even then I greatly prefer his adult voice, shamoning all over the place. To me, this screams self-indulgence or stage-mom-nepotism weirdness (for lack of better words). The album had the potential to be so amazing. Your voice is beautiful, the music is stunning and soothing, and I do love the songs that feature just you, doing what you do. So I'm not like, "Y U NO MAKE BOYS FOR PELE PT. 2?!?!" or anything like that. I noticed on another track, there was another voice. Didn't like that either. Just please, for the love of cheese, stop it. If you're going to have a guest vocalist, bring back Trent Reznor. I'm not even sure if you talk to him anymore, but do it anyway. His collaborations with his wife are irritating as well. And I'm not just saying that because I had a major crush on him and still think that you and he should have married. Bah.

Love,
Probably in the doghouse


Dear Mikael Åkerfeldt/Opeth,

Y U NO MAKE BLACKWATER PARK 2?!?!
Nah, I'm kidding, even though Blackwater Park is one of the best albums ever made.
Thank you for not having your children featured as guest vocalists. Also, you pretty much admitted that this album would be self-indulgent, so I appreciate that. We knew about your passion for prog. It was only a matter of time that you'd do this. I can say that I liked the album upon first listen. I will come to love it in time, I'm sure. It lacked growls but was not a Damnation clone. Your singing continues to improve. I can only hope my voice will do that too someday. I didn't miss the growls, but that's probably because I was listening with a splitting headache at the time, possibly caused by kids singing where they shouldn't. The music was comforting to me. Y'all are doing a great job. Objectively, Heritage is not my favorite Opeth album. You don't care. I don't expect you to care. Still rocks, though. And you still look like Jesus, Mike. I cannot wait to see Opeth and Katatonia live next month!

Love,
Trying not to have a one-person Wayne's World moment

P.S. When is Katatonia releasing a new album? I need it. Badly.